Why I Oughtta

1. My article on Doubt, now playing at the National Theatre, is up on the WP Express Web site.
2. Stickles found an awesome picture of Jon Stewart. Three guesses as to why she was doing that.
3. Barbara Boxer is my new girlfriend. And how big of a dick is Inhofe?
4. Weeee!!!! You can download the SXSW performance by The Pipettes here.
5. I linked to this a long time ago, but it’s been updated a bunch. Kori from Mates of State is keeping this baby tour blog on babble.com. It’s pretty insightful as to what life on the road is like when you’ve got a wee blonde babe in tow.

So, I haven’t been able to access TiFaux all day. And I already did the news. And it’s going to be a while till that happens. Here it is on my blog.

• TV Guide has a pictorial of the sexiest stars.
• Prison Break gets renewed.
• ABC renewed basically all its shows — even Boston Legal and Supernanny.
• Larry “Bud” Melman, from old school Letterman, died.
• A “very angry” and “out of control” Jesse Metcalf (lawn boy from Desperate Housewives) is now in rehab.
• USA Today keeps track of The Office stars’ film projects.
• TV Land is going to have a show with the real life Laverne and Shirley — Cindy Williams and Penny Marshall. I thought they hated each other in real life. I’m probably making that up.
• O’Donnell v. Hasselbeck — once again.
• Trends among new pilots include big-name stars, soaps, British imports and (hey now!) DC-based shows.
• Dennis Haysbert doesn’t have great things to say about the new season of 24.
• The boys from Work Out talk to After Elton.

1. Sub Pop is awarding a scholarship to a music loser.
2. The Grand Canyon Skywalk looks awesome, but absolutely terrifying.
3. A New York Times article on Amy Poehler.
4. I wrote a TiFaux post on this shitty (read: AWESOME) show called Playing it Straight.
5. Isaac Brock from Modest Mouse is out of his mind. Self mutilation in South Dakota.
6. I’ve been neglecting Sam Brown’s Exploding Dog site for a long time.  I love his pictures. When I grow up and live in a real house, I will definitely consider decorating with his stuff.
7. Jared gives me and Idlewild a sweet, if slightly misinformed, shout-out on 5 Acts.
8. I went to the Oh No! Oh My! show last night and I have to admit, they way exceeded my expectations.  Their debut is an album I listen to every once in a while, but not a whole hell of a lot, but they really made all the songs come alive and I’m glad I went.  They did play a lot of new stuff, but they played my two favorite songs of theirs “Lisa! Make Love” and “I Love You All The Time” (the latter of which you can listen to on their MySpace page).  One of my favorite moments was when the drummer got up to sing a song and he danced has lanky frame around all over the place.  The song was called “If I Was a Monster” — which was exactly like you would imagine it to be (in a Muppety way). The headliner was a band called Mew, which I hadn’t really even heard of, but seemed to inspire a lot of loyalty among the crowd.  They were Dutch, slight and weird.  I could take ‘em or leave ‘em frankly — with their progginess.  They eschewed traditional lighting in favor of a projector that shot up warp speed star graphics and disturbing shots of dead-eyed monkey dolls playing the cello. The singer was this high-voiced waify dude who looked kind of terrified half the time, like he would much rather be back on his asteroid tending to his rose.

1. I wrote two pretty okay articles for my real job last week. They’re here and here.
2. Cate Blanchett might be in the fourth Indiana Jones.
3. Mike Luckovich sums up my feelings exactly.
4. This guy makes knitted posters of Jake. You can find them here, here and here (my favorite). (Thanks Ekrobi.)
5. My mom is flipping out over the existence of this site.
6. Vote in the TiFaux Hotness Tournament! The Ladies’ bracket is up now!

This is new, but apparently my Express article are going to be available online.  I haven’t quite figured it all out in terms of what’s going to appear where and when.

In any case, here’s the preview I wrote of the new Woolly Mammoth Theatre play, Vigils.

1. Okay, Jake. You know I love you no matter what, but honestly.
2. Persepolis is going to be a movie. Here’s a NY Times article about it.
3. My recent TiFaux stuff: J.P. from Survivor is a gay, I love Kate Walsh, and live-blogging the Golden Globes.
4. I forgot two nicknames from my list of coffeeshop people: Little Shakespeare and Whistler’s Brother.
5. Maria Bamford has a Web TV show on SuperDeluxe! She repurposes the bit about the girl in Target, but it’s still definitely worth watching!

I’ve imported all my 2005 blog entries.  That is, except for the ones that I deemed unfit for my new blog for one reason or another.  If you want to take a stroll down memory lane, might I suggest the following:

1. Things my Grandma said
2. HMO haters
3. My 2004/2005 letters from and to people who don’t exist.  There’s The Virgin, The Dog, Sammy the Squirrel, The Fuck Hut.
4. Scotland Emily’s letter to the Textile Museum.
5. My barber’s monologue.

I know I’m thinking ahead here, but let me know if you want to try Nanowrimo this year. I learned (the hard way) that you need to write your daily allotment every day (no promises to write double the next day — it never happens). We could inspire each other, right?

Dear Bruce,

First of all, I want to thank you for appreciating my work. I spent seven of the happiest years of my life working “Doctor Wiggles’ Giggle Factory.” Even though the show completed its run almost thirty years ago, it is good to see that current generations are appreciating the “magic” we created in the studio.

My role as Sammy the Squirrel was a rewarding one, in that I find squirrels to be misunderstood creatures. While many people consider them a nuisance, I appreciate their work ethic, their playful behavior and their bravery (how many animals do you know that so freely run into traffic!). All of these qualities are ones that we would hope to instill in the young ones who watched our show. That’s why I always urged them to “be the squirrel.” Ha ha.

I noticed that your return address was to the Pensacola Correctional Institute! I suppose you are looking for guidance after being led in the wrong direction. Perhaps you were influenced more by Brutus the Beaver than Sammy the Squirrel!!

While I am thrilled to received mail from my fans, I didn’t quite understand parts of it and I hope (in our future correspondence) that we can clarify these points.

Site Map First, you mention Cecilia the Canary’s cat several times. You say that her cat is sweet and that you bet she has a really wet cat. Later in the letter, I believe you said something about having a rooster and that you wanted to put it inside her cat. This confuses me greatly because, as far as I know, the actress that played Cecilia the Canary (the lovely and talented Lucille Donovan) has never owned a cat, as she is allergic to fur. Furthermore, I am surprised to hear that they let you keep poultry on the premises of your correctional institute. This is some sort of work program perhaps?

I was also confused by your questions about the hand puppets we used intermittently on the show. The Wally and Molly, the penguins, were hand puppets operated by Vincent, our prop master. You mentioned that you wanted to see your sea men inside the puppets. Am I to presume that you are incarcerated with former Navy men? I don’t know what happened to the puppets after the show’s cancellation, but I will do some poking around to see if I can find those puppets for your sea men!

I’ve enclosed a headshot and resume, just in case you know anyone in the business that you could talk to upon your release. You never know who knows who!

Best wishes on your rehabilitation!

Bernard “Sammy the Squirrel” Jacobs

Dear Rex,

No one is more surprised than me that I am leaving this note by your water dish. I still feel a little odd about it, but, given my recent discoveries, I find it necessary to confront you.

We knew you weren’t a normal dog soon after we brought you home from the humane society. We originally appreciated your calm demeanor and gentle nature toward the kids. All of our friends commented on how well-behaved you were in front of company and some even said it was like he listening to the conversations.

We didn’t even pay it too much mind when you didn’t take to Sparky, who (we all know) is your exact opposite. When you lie on the floor as guests enter, he rushes to the door at the sound of the bell and we have to grab a hold of his collar to prevent him from ambushing the company. Sparky is always up for a game of fetch, whereas you have always been aloof, to say the least.

I noticed that I have been missing stamps from my purse for a few weeks now. I thought it was Andrew who was taking them, perhaps to mail some bills, but then I found out that he had a book on his nightstand. The kind with the little American flags. I had the Cary Grant commemorative collection.

Around the same time I noticed that the computer in the downstairs study has been covered with dog hair. It was black, like yours, and it was everywhere. On the mouse pad, between the keys and on our $300 ergonomic computer chair. Again, I wrote it off, thinking that one of the cleaning ladies must have kicked up some hair while vacuuming. It was a stretch, but what else was I supposed to think?

However, the final straw came two days ago when I made two discoveries. I came home from work early, about noon, because Kevin had a dentist appointment. I had to run in the house to grab my checkbook and, on a whim, checked to see if the mailman had come early. He hadn’t, but in my mailbox I found a letter addressed to Congressman Burrows. The return address? “Rex” at 435 Mayflower Rd.

I thought it was a joke at first. Perhaps Stacey had a project for school, perhaps Andrew was playing a game with the postal service. But, upon opening the letter (a federal offense, I know), I saw that it was a letter written to endorse legislation against homosexual marriage. I was aghast, knowing full well that Andrew would never write a such a letter (especially given the fact that his sister, Helen, has been with her partner Suzanne for almost eighteen years now). It was then that the pieces began to fall into place.

After Kevin’s appointment we went straight home. You were snoozing by the fireplace while I went on the computer and ran a search for “homosexual” on the hard drive. Sure enough, I found your letter. It was in your folder, innocuously named “My files.” There were also letters in there that advocated mandatory prayer in school and easing environmental standards for large corporations.

Needless to say, I was appalled that we had an individual in the house that held such backward beliefs. Canine or homo sapien, no one in the Stevens family will promote such an agenda.

I have so many questions, of course. Why were we paired with a dog with such high intelligence (although given the sloppy grammar and flimsy arguments you make in your letters, I certainly don’t overestimate it)? How can you type such small fingers and the lack of opposable thumbs?

While I?m impressed by your accomplishments, I have to admit you’ve been sloppy. You never cleaned up your hairy mess by the computer, you surfed right wing web sites without once clearing your history in our web browser and you saved files when you really had no reason to (other than to re-read them with nearly masturbatory glee).

You might think that I would announce your abilities to the media. No such luck. I wouldn’t want you to release your beliefs on the public at large.

For now, we’re restricting your access to the basement and backyard. Sparky can come up whenever he wishes, though. And even if you think of a way to come up, the computer will be password protected. Don’t flatter yourself into thinking you’ll be able to crack it.

So, I don?t wish to discuss this any further. I expect you to do normal dog things, such as rolling over and playing dead. There will be no right wing political activism by any animal in this house.

Yours,

Ruth