Why I Oughtta

Don’t really have time to post anything today. Here’s something funny by Zach Galifianakis!

Aside from the cialis, ephedra and other spam ads that I get here and on TiFaux, there’s a whole lot of hilarious porn. I just like saying the following items in a complete deadpan, like this is stuff that you could actually find on my blog. Perhaps one of these can be the tagline up on the header.

The first one is my favorite. I’ve put asterisks in the naughty words so I won’t get perverts googling my site.

1. Top news about sucking d*ck.
2. Relevant information about young *ss.
3. This site contains relevant information about mature p*ssy.
4. Description of large tw*ts.
5. Very actual information about tiny p*ssy.
6. Homepage of britney spears p*ssy.
7. Value source for ebony p*ssy.

David Rakoff, last night at the reading.

“Being gay doesn’t make you witty. You can suck a mile of cock and it won’t make you Oscar Wilde.  I know, I’ve tried.”

I wish I had the power that whenever I winked, the sound of a triangle would go off.  Diiiiiing!  Either that, or whenever I flashed a million-dollar smile, there would be a triangle and a my teeth would twinkle.

… look out. I’m comin’ to getcha.

1. German Sexy Time
2. The Actor
3. The Actor (with an accent on the second syllable)
4. Skinny Arms
5. Pizza Stone
6. The Ukranian
7. Not Latin
8. Boatsy
9. Triv
10. Dysfunctional Boy
11. Pocket Matt
12. Gay Mormon
13. The Jew
14. Seattle’s Best
15. The Bassoonist
16. The Clarinet Player
17. Ukelele Girl
18. The Patriot
19. Mini Horse
20. Duck Boy
21. The Cutest Boy in School
22. The Cutest Boy in Hebrew School
23. The Historian
24. Adorable Skinny Librarian
25. Pretty Redhead
26. KSW
27. Boy/Girl Chris
28. Spanikopita

I don’t really ever check Gawker, but I checked a couple times over the past few days in the vain (<---- get it? double meaning!) hope that the TiFaux tournament would be linked to. No such luck.

Site Map There’s not a whole, whole lot I’m interested in on the site, but the Gawker Stalker did catch my eye. It’s basically the column where people write “I saw Lindsay Lohan tweaked-out and dancing to imaginary music in the East Village” or “I saw Diane Sawyer order an everything bagel with low-fat cream cheese in mid-town. She’s way hotter than you’d expect in person!” It’s definitely more interesting than the Washington Post’s version of the same thing where it usually involves James Carville meeting four obese undersecretaries for a steak dinner or, if we’re lucky, a Bush twin getting kicked out of a club.

But the Gawker Stalker really confirmed to me that I never want to be a celebrity — not that I’m really ever going to be at risk for becoming one. Unless I become a famous murderer or something. Or unless that YouTube clip of me, a skateboard and a life-sized portrait of Imelda Marcos becomes a viral sensation.

But can you imagine being well known and just doing your normal business and having people constantly looking at your every movement and judging you? So weird.

So, if I were somehow a celebrity for some reason, and people reported sightings of me, this is what it would be like.

• “At 8 last night, I saw Dan at Giant, getting yelled at by the cashier because he didn’t remind her to give him his $40 cash back. He had to wait for the next customer to get rung up so she could get the cash drawer open. What he bought: a giant tub of vanilla yogurt, generic Cheerios, four bananas and a stick of deodorant.”
• “I saw Dan trolling the sale rack at the Chinatown Urban Outfitters. He scanned the men’s section, as if he were intimately acquainted with each piece of merchandise, and left empty-handed.”
• “Dan was spotted at the gay bar JRs on 17th Street last night, white-knuckling an imported beer and looking wide-eyed and nervous. He kept to his group of friends the whole time and left the bar at 2 a.m. Alone.”
• “My friend and I were at the coffeeshop and we saw Dan there on his laptop. He kept looking over and staring at this bald guy in the corner with big armband tattoos. He stayed there for like two hours.”
• “I saw Dan walking downtown with his headphones on, looking oblivious to the world. He really wears his t-shirts too tight.”

1. Organized religion
2. Cutters

1. Little Shakespeare (he works out at my gym and goes to my coffeeshop)
2. Goldilocks
3. The Hot Republican
4. Red and Pugsly (two guys who come in together)
5. The Struggler
6. The Judge
7. Yates Basement (I’m pretty sure this guy lived in my freshman dorm)
8. The Turtle
9. Raspy gay
10. The Racist

See also: Nicknames I have in my head for people at the coffeeshop

I am a photoshop wizard.