Why I Oughtta

Here’s a video of some jubilant gay folks waiting to hear about the California gay marriage ruling. Wait for it at the 3:30 mark.
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Dear gay ads on MySpace, blogs and various other sites,

You are slowly killing me.

Love,

DAN

I got this subscription to this awful gay magazine called Genre a while ago.  It was supposed to last for a trial three months, but has lasted for more than a year at this point.

It is awful. A supremely awful thing this magazine is. The cover is always an anonymous model (we are never introduced to him because it really does not matter — why pretend that it does?) who is wearing as little as possible yet barely enough to avoid being labeled pornography.

It’s wholly depressing, but that is not the point.

The point is that this evening I was drinking with my roommate, doing Mad Libs with words culled from various magazines.  We tried to pull them from her editions of Foreign Policy and The Economist to no avail (I was hoping they would end up really dry and funny — they ended up up very clunky), but it turns out that when you get your words from Genre it yields instant Mad Libs success!!!!!

Here is the Mad Lib we created with the Genre words bolded:

A TOUR OF HOLLYWOOD

Good morning, ladies and packages, boys and adult movies.

My name is Sean Cody. I am your personal Mountain Dew guide. For the next six hours, we will delight in exploring romantic, strong-looking Hollywood, the glamour audience of the world.

Let’s start off with a bang and visit Mann’s erotic Chinese Theater, Hollywood’s most tanned tourist attraction. Etched in cement, you’ll see the foot genitals and the leg prints of the most famous male prison guards ever to adorn the home gym screen. Then it’s only a hop, skip and a flaunt to Beverly Hills, the playground of the rich and sumptuous. You will feast your arms on the million-dollar ass circuses of movie stars. You’ll actually get to visit the home of today’s hottest rump – Calvin Klein — who will sign autographs for the low, low sum of $19.95.

And here’s the big one! For lunch, we’ll be going to the studio commissary, where you can rub pecs with today’s leading actors and actresses.

All aboard!

I know my birthday’s not til August, but please?

On an almost daily basis, I post “Questions of the Day” to co-workers (to those who don’t know, I work for The Gays) via a little whiteboard by my desk.

Here is today’s, accompanied by an e-mail response from a lesbian co-worker.  Backstory: we often talk about the alleged stereotype of lesbians wearing wallet chains.

POD Question of the day:

Colleen has 3 drawers of 5 wallet chains each. She meets Denise at the Santa Clara County Womyn’s Festival (featuring The Indigo Girls). Denise has four drawers of 6 wallet chains each. How many wallet chains will they have when they move in together on their second date?

Lesbian response:

60 is my answer. You have to take into account their 2 roomates that that used to be a couple, but broke up 5 years ago and are both still living there to be with the cats.

Among the things I’ve learned by hanging out with gay people more — to “take off one’s earrings” means “to prepare to fight.”

So, now, next time you talk to a gay person, you won’t need an interpreter.

You’re welcome.

1. For the most part, it was same gay people — different day. Same dykes, same bikes.
2. It seemed like the men were generally either not attractive to me at all or unbelievably, unattainably hot. Nowhere in between. I don’t know how to explain this.
3. Walking around at the festival, I kept repeating the same joke to myself in my head. Whenever I saw anything, I’d add a ‘G’ to the beginning of the word to make it gay. For instance, if I saw some raisins I’d say to myself, “Raisins? More like graisins.” “Airplane? More like a gairplane.” I did this all day and thought it was hilarious, even when it wasn’t (which was always). To make it worse, it’s really hard to do when the word doesn’t begin with a vowel, L, W or R.
4. The DC Cowboys continue to fascinate me.
5. I declined a crotch blessing from DC Radical Faeries.
6. It was weird to walk around Chinatown in the middle of pride and see it populated almost entirely by gay people. It was comforting, in a way, but mostly just jarring.

I’ve been warned about the bears in Alaska.

Don’t climb up a tree! They can still get you!

David Rakoff, last night at the reading.

“Being gay doesn’t make you witty. You can suck a mile of cock and it won’t make you Oscar Wilde.  I know, I’ve tried.”