What the?
I was walking around Tysons Two earlier this evening in order to meet my mom, brother and sister-in-law for some delicious Lebanese food. Mmmm… Hummus with spiced beef…
For those not familiar with the giant, congested people-factory of Northern Virginia, let me explain Tyson’s to you. Tyson’s Corner is nestled in the bosom of Fairfax County. It’s the major hub of shopping centers in a land of shopping centers. There are two Tyson’s malls. Tyson’s One is where the common folk go to shop. It is located off, I swear to God, Fashion Blvd. As far as I know, there are no other themed roads in the area. There’s Chain Bridge Road, International Drive, Gallows Rd. And then there it is, in a land not know for really having a sense of humor: Fashion Blvd. For the record, I would love to live on a street called Fashion Blvd. — as I can only imagine how much better my neighborhood would be if everyone wore designer jeans and exotic sunglasses as opposed to the usual DC wardrobe of bureaucratic slacks and collared shirts.
But I digress. So Tyson’s One is full of stores for your everyman — you’ve got your H&M, your Abercrombie (which I don’t ever shop at, let’s just set that straight right now), your smoothie joint, your CPK. What’s not to love, right? The clientele reflects this. It’s mostly full of teenagers, people hauling around babies/other varieties of screaming children as well as a disproportionate amount of Asians (go figure). Meanwhile Tyson’s Two is full of stores that you might go to once or twice in your life. You’ve got Burberry, Ralph Lauren, Coach. You know, places that you would feel disgusting shopping at even if you could theoretically afford it. As I walked in the other day, I saw a trim, tan woman with a Chanel tattoo. I’m not kidding. Those kinds of priorities.
Anyway, I was walking around and killing time when I saw a man walking past me from the other direction. I conducted a little exercise in my intuition (read: judging people by the way they look). He was white, maybe late thirties, not tall, slightly pudgy but not noticeably so, well-groomed and had his hair in a severe, swooping part. And his black t-shirt said “In a world of darkness…” Immediately, I read him as a comic-booky, basement-dwelling kind of nice guy that older women would urge their pushing-30 daughters to date in a desperate grab for grandchildren.
I was satisfied with my answer until I looked at the back of his shirt. I expected the follow-up to the “world of darkness” thing to be something about Jedis or dungeon masters, but no one was more shocked than I to see a big honking cross and the words “there is a light,” followed by a too-small-to-read bible verse.
Joke’s on you Dan. Looks like it was a Ralph Reed hair part, not socks-with-sandals dude hair part.
Yeah, that’s the whole story.
I’m sorry for wasting your time.
