Why I Oughtta

This is a public service announcement.

Nobody likes the guy dressed in the adult baby costume. It’s seriously disgusting.

This has been a public service announcement.

1. Catch up with David Sedaris.
2. Download mp3s of The Go! Team’s live session on KCRW here.
3. Bryan’s got a neat rainbow that comes through the peephole in his front door. Here are pictures.
4. Two articles I wrote for Express. One on Mike Birbiglia and one on the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.
5. Bring this to me.
6. I wish all homophobia was this damn funny.

1. Almost everything Alanis Morissette has ever done.
2. California Pizza Kitchen.
3. Cuteoverload.com.
4. Joshua Jackson.
5. Bacon/sausage.
6. Girly drinks.
7. Driving my car.
8. Sports, sometimes.

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but I am very much against the complicated straight guy handshakes.  I thought of this while watching John Stewart and Jake Gyllenhaal greet each other during Jake’s recent appearance on The Daily Show.

I just can’t keep up when meeting young straight fellows and they greet me with a complicated series of shakes, finger-grabby thingeys, fist-knocks, etc.  It’s too much — I just can’t keep up.

As a red-blooded gay male, I know what I like and what I don’t. I like my t-shirts fitted, my parfaits with blueberries and raspberries and my hand-shakes direct, straightforward and uncomplicated. Please cut me some slack.

Here are some synonyms for the word “mouth.”  They are all great and if you use them in a sentence, it will almost always be funnier than if you didn’t.

1. Maw
2. Gullet (more the esophagus, but close enough)
3. Trap
4. Kisser

On the subject of “I’m trying to figure out if this thing is actually a thing,” I’ve recently been introduced to the concept of the “sweat sandwich.” Has anyone heard of this?

The way it was explained to me, it involves the simultaneous donning of sweatpants and a sweatshirt (preferably not matching, preferably pertaining to a parental university sports team). Further, it’s been explained to me (passive voice enabled to protect the guilty) that wearing the sweat sandwich usually occurs after a bender of some sort, and it’s supposed to be conducive to recovery.

My initial question was this: If there’s sweat on the top and sweat on the bottom, what’s in the middle? From what I gather, the only acceptable response is “sadness.”

The way I see it, you can either wear the sweat sandwich in two ways.  You can wear it shamefully, as if to say “This is all I have left.”  Or, you could wear it defiantly, as if to say “I have nothing to prove to you.”

Either way, life re-evaluation usually follow a day wearing a sweat sandwich.

Among the things I’ve learned by hanging out with gay people more — to “take off one’s earrings” means “to prepare to fight.”

So, now, next time you talk to a gay person, you won’t need an interpreter.

You’re welcome.