Why I Oughtta

Aside from the cialis, ephedra and other spam ads that I get here and on TiFaux, there’s a whole lot of hilarious porn. I just like saying the following items in a complete deadpan, like this is stuff that you could actually find on my blog. Perhaps one of these can be the tagline up on the header.

The first one is my favorite. I’ve put asterisks in the naughty words so I won’t get perverts googling my site.

1. Top news about sucking d*ck.
2. Relevant information about young *ss.
3. This site contains relevant information about mature p*ssy.
4. Description of large tw*ts.
5. Very actual information about tiny p*ssy.
6. Homepage of britney spears p*ssy.
7. Value source for ebony p*ssy.

If your two favorite things in this world are me and Scotland Emily, here is something for you to tile on your computer’s desktop.

1. It’s official: Rudy Giuliani can go fuck himself.
2. The New Amsterdams (or, really, Matt Pryor solo) does the whitest version of Hey Ya imaginable. But it’s still good fun.
3. An L.A. Times sports writer is coming out as a transsexual.
4. Fun context news: the new header of the baby is a photo I took in Vegas last summer. I covertly took the shot because I was afraid the mother would think I was some sort of predator if she saw me. I like changing the headers a lot because, for some reason, a lot of photos that aren’t good enough to stand up on their own (like that one and the flower one before this) make really good headers. Maybe it’s just because you have to sort of artfully crop it. The flower photo (this one:) was actually meant to be a a photo of this whole gigantic bed of gerber daisies. But the focus was all fucked up because I don’t know how to use my camera. But, part of the photo that was in focus made it workable and made it so the photo wasn’t a total waste. As you can see on the left, I actually flipped the photo (see the little baby alien head flowers on the right?).
5. Jake… and a baby carriage.
6. A thing I wrote and a chart I made on TV death.

Three old men review songs by The Thermals, The Decemberists and Joanna Newsom.

David Rakoff, last night at the reading.

“Being gay doesn’t make you witty. You can suck a mile of cock and it won’t make you Oscar Wilde.  I know, I’ve tried.”

1. Tai Shan/Butterstick will be staying at the DC zoo, munching on some bamboo, for another two years.
2. DC’s The Mary Timony Band is on You Ain’t No Picasso. You can download an mp3 too.
3. Amazon is selling 150 indie CDs for ten bucks each. If you get enough to get the free shipping, this is a lovely alternative to buying the DRMed version from iTunes.
4. Ooooh… click here to take a look at a schedule of all the good concert venues all in one place.
5. Mulder is making a movie about gay senior citizens.

Dear Murky Coffee,

I thought we had an arrangement.

On my lazy weekday nights, I’ll come home, go to the gym, eat some sort of weird piecemeal dinner (tonight it was a drumbone of leftover Peruvian chicken and a slice of veggie pizza). I’ll still be sort of hungry, but that’s where you come in. I come in and drink coffee to suppress my hunger and check e-mail compulsively. It’s a safe space without caloric temptation.
And now what have you gone and done?  Started to sell cupcakes?  Delicious, soft cupcakes with rich, swirly frosting on top.  The kind that you can just imagine biting into and then forgetting you have any problems.

Now how am I supposed to keep up my weirdo eating habits with this new development?

We are so in a fight.

DAN

PS — you’re lucky that the title track off the new Laura Veirs is so cute, my hostility is somewhat muted.

1. People are sending death threats to Knut the polar bear and his cute little tongue.
2. Ben Lee covers Modest Mouse’s Float On.
3. Pitchfork liked the new Joanna Newsom EP.  Who knows what that means…
4. Crikey!  Aussies don’t like the gays.
5. Free toothpaste!
6. Girls cover indie rock songs on YouTube.

Next up: sex with dudes.

This is a public service announcement.

If you have to blow your nose, please do not snort it up even further into your head and make a disgusting honking noise.  It totally makes me want throw up.  I will spot you a tissue.  If I do not have a tissue, I may just take off my shirt and have you blow in there.

I’d rather that than hear you snort.

This has been a public service announcement.