Another Letter
Dear Rex,
No one is more surprised than me that I am leaving this note by your water dish. I still feel a little odd about it, but, given my recent discoveries, I find it necessary to confront you.
We knew you weren’t a normal dog soon after we brought you home from the humane society. We originally appreciated your calm demeanor and gentle nature toward the kids. All of our friends commented on how well-behaved you were in front of company and some even said it was like he listening to the conversations.
We didn’t even pay it too much mind when you didn’t take to Sparky, who (we all know) is your exact opposite. When you lie on the floor as guests enter, he rushes to the door at the sound of the bell and we have to grab a hold of his collar to prevent him from ambushing the company. Sparky is always up for a game of fetch, whereas you have always been aloof, to say the least.
I noticed that I have been missing stamps from my purse for a few weeks now. I thought it was Andrew who was taking them, perhaps to mail some bills, but then I found out that he had a book on his nightstand. The kind with the little American flags. I had the Cary Grant commemorative collection.
Around the same time I noticed that the computer in the downstairs study has been covered with dog hair. It was black, like yours, and it was everywhere. On the mouse pad, between the keys and on our $300 ergonomic computer chair. Again, I wrote it off, thinking that one of the cleaning ladies must have kicked up some hair while vacuuming. It was a stretch, but what else was I supposed to think?
However, the final straw came two days ago when I made two discoveries. I came home from work early, about noon, because Kevin had a dentist appointment. I had to run in the house to grab my checkbook and, on a whim, checked to see if the mailman had come early. He hadn’t, but in my mailbox I found a letter addressed to Congressman Burrows. The return address? “Rex” at 435 Mayflower Rd.
I thought it was a joke at first. Perhaps Stacey had a project for school, perhaps Andrew was playing a game with the postal service. But, upon opening the letter (a federal offense, I know), I saw that it was a letter written to endorse legislation against homosexual marriage. I was aghast, knowing full well that Andrew would never write a such a letter (especially given the fact that his sister, Helen, has been with her partner Suzanne for almost eighteen years now). It was then that the pieces began to fall into place.
After Kevin’s appointment we went straight home. You were snoozing by the fireplace while I went on the computer and ran a search for “homosexual” on the hard drive. Sure enough, I found your letter. It was in your folder, innocuously named “My files.” There were also letters in there that advocated mandatory prayer in school and easing environmental standards for large corporations.
Needless to say, I was appalled that we had an individual in the house that held such backward beliefs. Canine or homo sapien, no one in the Stevens family will promote such an agenda.
I have so many questions, of course. Why were we paired with a dog with such high intelligence (although given the sloppy grammar and flimsy arguments you make in your letters, I certainly don’t overestimate it)? How can you type such small fingers and the lack of opposable thumbs?
While I?m impressed by your accomplishments, I have to admit you’ve been sloppy. You never cleaned up your hairy mess by the computer, you surfed right wing web sites without once clearing your history in our web browser and you saved files when you really had no reason to (other than to re-read them with nearly masturbatory glee).
You might think that I would announce your abilities to the media. No such luck. I wouldn’t want you to release your beliefs on the public at large.
For now, we’re restricting your access to the basement and backyard. Sparky can come up whenever he wishes, though. And even if you think of a way to come up, the computer will be password protected. Don’t flatter yourself into thinking you’ll be able to crack it.
So, I don?t wish to discuss this any further. I expect you to do normal dog things, such as rolling over and playing dead. There will be no right wing political activism by any animal in this house.
Yours,
Ruth