Why I Oughtta

Dear Samuel,

I miss you so much! The past two weeks at the Eastern Tennessee Virginity Conference have been unbearable!

Things have been crazy! I’ve taught two workshops to over two hundred girls over the past three days. They really seemed to respond to both – especially “Yes, Oral Sex Counts.” The other one, “Genital Warts: Not a Laughing Matter,” was sparsely attended, but Mary Katherine and Mary Theresa both handled the topic (and the slide show!) maturely.

Samuel, I can’t tell you how much I’ve been thinking about you. I found myself drifting off during Francis’ keynote speech (she was going over the sex PAD – pregnancy, AIDS, damnation), thinking about how much I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand all night long. The more I think about it worse it gets and an almost animal-like intensity takes over. I don’t care what they say on the MTV, there’s nothing sexier than your hand on my hand. Over and over. Again and again.

Last night I woke up and my hands were white from being clenched all night! I asked Jesus for help controlling my desires and he answered by giving me an infected hangnail. Now, not only can I not clench my fists in the night, my finger is so tender that I can’t put any pressure on it without excruciating pain! The Lord’s son does work in mysterious ways, even by giving infections!

Samuel, I cannot wait until I our wedding day when you, me and Jesus can enter into holy unity. You are the two men in my life who make me who I am.

And Samuel, I like to think about that the night we accidentally fell asleep next to each other on your mother’s futon, while we watched the figure skating championships. I drifted off before Michelle Kwan hit the ice, but I know you must have been up to see her. (Sometimes I get jealous of how mesmerized you get when she does those double axels!) When I woke up in the morning and realized what happened, I think Jesus himself was lying between us, preventing our earthly desires from taking over.

Just think of our wedding night, Samuel! I like to think of all of use in your room above your mother’s garage – the room will be lit with vanilla candles and strewn with rose petals. My aunt Jeanine has promised to make me a giant crucifix made of tulips and rhinestones to mount over the bed for the night. She’s so sweet.

And when we finally consummate our love, I know Jesus will be in the corner watching. He’ll be watching and smiling. And when your body is on top of mine, I’ll turn my head and thank him.

Oh Samuel! I’m so glad I’ve found a man that shows the same degree of commitment to abstinence. These girls at the conference really need my help. I see them walking around with skirts coming up to their knees and they think that that is a Christian way to dress! I just do not understand it! One girl, a little blonde tart named Jessica Winthrop, was wearing a Jars of Clay t-shirt that was so tight I could almost see her n-pples. Of course, I told her that even though we were not in the company of men, she should not dress like that. Luckily, I always carry an extra cardigan (you know how frigid I get!) and I had her wear it for the rest of the day.

Samuel, my dear! I have to prepare for the Abstinence Banquet! We’re having a tropical theme this year with Virgin Pina Coladas (get it?!) to start off!

Help me pray that I can help these girls from a life of misery caused by premarital sex.

Love always,

Susie